My Early Yearning
As a teenager, I was often surrounded with people who had summer and part-time jobs. I deeply envied them, because I thought to myself that they could save money for their futures from a young age and get anything without their parents’ permission. I was not able to get any kind of job despite applying to many, writing what felt like exaggerating some stuff on my CV and showing up to a few interviews. I had my family review and critique it and I practiced interviews with them to maximize my chances. Eventually, I sent my CV and my cover letter to a factory and they took me in when I was 17 years old.
My job consisted of mopping floors, packaging vegetables and operating some factory machines. I remember being so glad I finally could get one after trying hard for years and after preparing rigorously . I was however surprised to find out that the other workers much younger than I was did not even take the hiring process seriously. That is when I first realized that the employer just needed people to get the work done. They did not care about my personal fluff or even about my character. As long as I was healthy, capable of obeying orders and available to work frequently, I was gonna get accepted. Interestingly, that assumption turned out to be right because when I left, I was told that I could always come back by just showing up at the front door. I left after six months, because they wanted to me to work night shifts even though I really wanted to focus on my studies.
My Pre-University Time
After two years of pre-university studies, without a job, I applied to the four most prestigious universities in Canada back in 2017. Back then, I really wanted to be accepted into any one of them, because they were really good while being the most affordable for my parents compared to any in the US or elsewhere. I tried extremely hard during my pre-university studies to get good grades, because the entrance requirements were really high for the programs I wanted to get in. I managed to get accepted with my first choice into only one of them while my first choices for the three others were all rejected. The second and third choices I wrote down on my application forms for all the other universities were not even programs that I wanted to pursue, but only there because it was mandatory to include them.
University Days
I was still glad I got into McGill University and then, I went through it desperately wanting and trying as hard as I could to study or work internationally. Every semester, I applied to all the international internships and scholarships found by my career advisor. I tried getting them even if I had extremely limited savings from my first job. I applied to at least three local and international jobs daily and various scholarships to study or work internationally. I continuously tried to balance studies with some random extracurricular stuff to include on my CV, because my only real work experience was the six months I spent at the factory, some random one day volunteering events and a few school projects. My CV was far from impressive, but I tried to mold myself with what my career and financial advisors were telling me and I incorporated their tips. I tried CV/cover letter critiques, mock interviews and referrals, but with no success. I followed my career advisor’s tip on just applying even if I did not meet the requirements perfectly. I got a few interviews, but nothing really came out of them. In my program, completing three internships was mandatory so I literally needed internship jobs to graduate from my program. After countless applications and even more rejections than I remember, negative feelings started to really get to me. I was tired of employers never replying after I put so much time and effort into applying and learning about them, tired of writing cover letters just to appeal to them, tired of interviewers lying to me that they will answer me back ASAP, tired of stressing about getting an answer back, and so on. I remember, I would stay extra hours before going to bed just because I was really scared to miss opportunities to study or work abroad. I subscribed to get scholarships and job notifications across countless platforms to automate things and I let a few people know I was looking for an internship.
In my second year, I was desperate to move out and stay closer to school so I luckily landed a part-time job as an office assistant and I rented a very small space in someone’s basement. Although I was not able to find an affordable apartment, I was able to rent that small space from someone, because they saw that I was desperate. I got the job after applying on my school’s career website and being called one week later. To this day, I still don’t know why exactly they picked me, unlike my first job, despite having hundreds of applicants, but I got in somehow so I am still very grateful for that. I stayed in it luckily for a year and a half studying and working part-time while still applying for internships and scholarships. I was also randomly asked to sort applications for certain positions they were looking to fill in. That is when I found out (after literally counting) that hundreds of people tried really hard to get those positions. They went as far as showing-up in person, cold-calling, sending pictures of their accomplishments, portfolios of projects by email, pictures of trophies, reference letters by past employers, showing a diverse set of international experiences, etc. It gave me an initial glimpse of just how hard people were trying just like I was to just get SOMETHING whatever it might be. My university also had a prestigious reputation so people wanted that stamp on their profiles.
On the other hand, I still could not get an internship for my degree after another year despite having more stuff to include on my CV, doing more activities or polishing my cover letter. When I heard that I was going to get laid off from my part-time job as an office assistant, I had two weeks to find something else because I was still living in a small rented place. I managed to find a three-month one hour per month job. Coincidentally, the pandemic happened after those three months halfway through my third year of university. Since my rented space lease ended one month before the pandemic (I dodged a bullet) and my courses were all given online, I went back to my parents while still not able to find internships or scholarships. During that period, I got screwed over from being desperate by one of my professors who gave me a fake unpaid job that I left after one month.
During university, I was very unfocused and I wanted to do everything at the same time. Participate in the engineering design clubs, practice speedcubing, participate in the Christian club, study engineering courses full-time, work part-time, learn cantonese, participate in sports, learn japanese, etc. I ended up not actually achieving anything by trying to be involved in all of these.
I look back on these years and realized that I never really achieved anything and I was just drifting around. I was not committed enough to anything and all I wanted was look impressive with all the projects I undertook.
Third Year Change
I felt extremely bummed out after pouring in all my heart and soul for three years once again and quite frankly, I lost hope in trying. I completely stopped applying to anything and I decided to just introspect on my life. I only applied to one part-time job that I knew I was easily over-qualified for just to save money and luckily I got it. I was tutoring kids part-time and I discovered a passion for it. I particularly enjoyed teaching subjects and helping students understand topics. There is something so gratifying with being able to convey information and someone else being able to understand it. I also really enjoyed seeing the children happy that they learned something.
I had to leave it after one year and a half, because I randomly found a full-time internship as a lab technician at a factory making fasteners that could count as credits for my degree. Even though I stopped applying to anything while studying, I once again only got in extremely luckily, because they were looking for someone literally on the same day they sent the job posting before 5 PM and I was the only guy who saw and replied to that email at around noon. I didn’t even have the grades nor the relevant experiences. I was just replacing someone who was leaving halfway through the semester and my job was to wrap-up his work during the other half. I had a horrible time there, because my supervisor insulted me a lot personally and she treated me like a slave overall. I had to put up with it the best I could, because I needed the money and the course credits from it. So it only lasted two months, because the department director fired me and I had to come back to school for a semester.
That experience reaffirmed my childhood intention of wanting to be free from a boss someday and never have to worry about being at the mercy of anybody. It felt like I really hit rock bottom at that stage and it really opened my eyes about the joy it would be to be free in life almost like when I was tutoring. At that moment, I was again about to just quit the whole internship option of my degree and graduate, because I earned extra credits with additional courses during that semester. However, I mustered up enough motivation and only applied for internships with the hopes of securing one before April of that year which was the deadline to apply for graduation. My plan at the time was if I couldn’t get a full-time internship, then I would just graduate, go back to tutoring and at least have a university degree. I decided to phone call every local employer to indirectly beg them to give me one. I got into an interview for another lab job I applied to, but they rejected me for that and instead assigned me to another job as a field technician.
I realized while doing the job why they gave it to me. Other workers doing the same thing told me that for years, they struggled to find enough people to fill in this role and they made it look like an internship to me. I further realized that , because I was clearly not meant for it on my very first day. For instance, all the workers there told me that I needed qualifications from a trade school in a completely different field from mine. I therefore had to learn everything on the job and I had to pretend like I knew the stuff even when workers asked me very specific questions. I had to work incredibly hard daily to make up for my lack of knowledge and I came to understand why nobody wanted to do this. I had to wake up every day at 5 AM to just barely make it to some assigned place at 7 AM and then get back home at 8 PM and work on weekends. That was the schedule daily and I was even asked to work night shifts from 7 PM to 5 AM. I had to alternate between those two schedules abruptly and I had to deal with very irritated people daily. I kept my head down again, because I needed the money and the course credits from it. Also, since I knew I was not going to stay long, I tried to work as much as possible to get as much from it. I do not think I could have kept that pace longer than four months though.
During that period, I kept loosely applying for my final internship only twice a week, because I thought of quitting once again. The same situation happened where an employer sent out a job posting with an application deadline before 5 PM on the same day. I was initially rejected, but they called me back two days later, because the initial candidate declined their offer and they remembered that I mentioned I was the only one available to work literally on the day they would finish filing my paperwork. I was able to secure that job one week before the end of the semester. Had I not gotten it, I would have quit the internship program and just gone back to tutoring. I ended up really liking it though because I learned tons from my supervisor and from my work colleagues. They even offered me a full-time lucrative position which I declined, because deep down I knew I had unfulfilled dreams of having something of my own, traveling and being free. I was especially longing for traveling experiences that I could not get from scholarships or internships abroad during my studies. I just wanted to get more life experiences while not worrying about my financial goals.
Post-University
By the end of my university studies, I learned a very important lesson though. All this time, I always tried so hard to be accepted by others and I literally gave my life into it such as getting a first job, good grades, good school, international opportunities and scholarships, but to no avail. I now fundamentally believe that my life will no longer be about seeking acceptance from anyone or anything. I will never depend nor wait after others to get opportunities or to move forward. I should instead be busy improving my life and finances and not wait months to get something I think I want. I will work and stay active on my projects and improve forward financially on my own terms. The pain of employment mistreatment has also led me to realize that even gaining acceptance is not worth it, because I was always at the mercy of whoever accepted me. They could always instill in me the fear of being laid off, previous employees being better, that I did not matter or that all the problems were my fault.
I decided to use all of that energy and my available resources to create this blog for myself that I genuinely enjoy. I realized that if I had this much drive and dedication throughout the years, why not apply it into creative projects that could support my financial goals and that I can derive genuine satisfaction from without anybody’s approval or permission. I also learned that in any candidate selection process of really anything, there will always be ideal or bad anomalies. In all my cases except for one, I got jobs simply because no one else applied, the employers needed people quickly or because the initial candidate refused it. In those cases, they were forced to give it to me, because they really had no other options. Although that could mean that applying to anything anywhere is always worth it, I will never do so to the extreme like I used to. I will still apply and be aware of opportunities, but never at the expense of my self-esteem or happiness. On the short term, I felt the fear of missing out, but on the long-term the fear of not having unaccomplished anything is far more devastating. I should be able to walk away as equally satisfied even if I did not get them. I learned that there will always be people less qualified, less motivated, less hard working, less experienced or just less of anything relevant that will land these opportunities. This is not to take anything away from them, because they certainly went through hardships as well, but it made me understand that my hard work needed to be redirected towards my own life and projects and be content that I am progressing daily instead of feeling stuck that I did not get stuff that I applied to.
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